taking a moment

hello dears, i'm so sorry i've been quite m.i.a. and inconsistent lately. the past week or so has, quite frankly, been full of wedding planning and decision-making, and my energy has been exhausted by it. i am beyond excited to marry m, and i feel incredibly blessed by the generosity of our families in the wedding planning process. there are so many fun, good things to look forward to (not least of all, actually being married !!!).

sometimes, though, i must admit that wedding planning can rear its ugly head and cause me to become a stressed, unfocused crazy person. if you've witnessed this, i do apologize. i think a lot of the anxiety that i allow to creep in comes from my tendency to lean on perfectionism as my defining state. and, big news - i'm just not perfect. my wedding will not be perfect. and my wedding planning will not be perfect.

i won't be able to make my perfected, shiny original vision for the wedding come to life in every single way (for instance, i originally envisioned everyone sitting at one long barn table together... but hello! we are expecting 250 people. one table? not happening.)

also, m and i disagree. this has been perhaps one of the most surprising things about planning a wedding for me (i'm not sure why, as m and i tend to have different tastes and make decisions in different ways). it's not always easy.

so this week, full of decision making and to-do's, has been messy. and yet, it has been wonderful.

it's been wonderful because i finally allowed my perfectionism to die. and i received the best gifts - grace and love. my parents graciously told me i would never be perfect but i was still beautiful and very capable of making good decisions. m affirmed that it was ok we disagree, that it did not mean we were less excited to marry each other, and that the wedding is about so much more than our decor and desserts. it's about celebrating God's provision in our lives and for bringing glory to His goodness by committing our lives to each other.

i've been thinking about that a lot this week - how profound it is that when i'm wrinkly, gray, and weathered by life's difficulties, i will still be committed to the promise i made when i was 23. i will still be committed to m, in his mess and in mine. at the end of the day, no matter what happens at my job or how miserable my day is, i'll be coming home to m, my best friend. the wedding will be amazing. i'm so excited. but marriage will be life-changing. my life for his. laying down my desires (even my perfectionism), in order to love m. i've hardly a clue what that means in real life besides what i've experienced through Christ's love for me, but i am anticipating a life of adventure and fierce, fierce love.

ps - i love the above picture, taken at our surprise engagement party. such joy.